2nd Christmas Without Papa (2013)

It's the 2nd Christmas without Papa around. Of course, this one's less painful than the one in 2012 but it is still PAINFUL!! God, we miss him badly and I know that deep in our hearts we only have one wish- for him to be with us again, and knowing that it's impossible then we go to our next option of offering a prayer for him and just be present for each other.  I'm glad that our family is closer now but also sad that we had to experience this kind of loss before getting closer to each other. I mean, we were fine way before but what we have right now is some kind of a bond that is mixed with a fear of losing each other...



Merry Christmas Papa!! Please pray for us, that God may give us strength without you. You're always in our prayers Papa, never a day passes without thinking of you and a prayer offered for you. We love you Papa!!

2nd Memorial Tattoo

I have gotten my 2nd Tribute tat for my father several days after his 1st Death Anniversary and just a couple of days before Christmas. I did it to honor his memories and also the pain I've went through with it signifies the end of my mourning. But as I've stated with my recent blog, I don't think my grief will end. Nevertheless, it's one of the gifts that I had for him as I do believe that my prayers, cherishing his memories and the pain I had while getting the tat done are the intangible things that I feel are worth offering to him.

It's his signature with a heart!! :)


I love you so much Pops! Don't know if you still feel our love or we will meet again but FAITH is the only thing that keeps me holding on. 

Papa's First Death Anniversary

365 days. Yes. It has been a year since my Dad left us.

365 days filled with happiness, sorrow, grief, regrets and longing. Days with sudden chuckles brought about by his memories and moments of outbursts- tears from the pain of losing him. Whenever the truth hits me, the realization just comes over and over again- we will never bring him back. God has taken my dad away from us, but closer to Him. 

Last December 10, we have celebrated his First Death Anniversary or "Babang Luksa". My mom told me that it's the time where the mourning of the bereaved families end. We have decided to offer a mass for him in St. Joseph's Parish Anonas, Q.C. A prayer ceremony filled with songs was also held at his resting place in the afternoon. We had 12 white balloons to commemorate him. At around 5 pm, we have decided to head to Renaissance Cafeteria at the Renaissance Convention Center, in Riverbanks Center Marikina. We had our closest family and relatives attend the dinner for our Papa. 

The prayer ceremony held at his resting place

Hope that balloon reaches you Pops! :)

Our Giveaways

Papa

The Buffet

Truly, we have enjoyed the buffet!

The tarp made my Mom cry while we were on our way to Papa's resting place. 

The giveaways- colorful cupcakes! 

I'm so glad that we're able to pull it off successfully! 


As for me, I don't think this grief will end at that point. Right at this very moment, I couldn't imagine myself not grieving for him. I will cherish his memories and I could say that with surety, but the pain of him leaving us will still hurt till the very end- I know. 

All Souls Day Trip: Our Potipot Island Getaway

Our All Soul's Day trip was a family outing at Dawal Resort in Candelaria, Zambales and also at the beautiful Potipot Island.   On Nov. 1 I had to go to work as my leave wasn't approved. Still I thank God that He has given me the energy to enjoy our weekend activity- Our Potipot Island Getaway!! 

Around 8 am on Nov. 2, all of us boarded the Nissan Urvan my brother hired to get to Dawal Resort in Cadelaria, Zambales. It was a 5-trip and we enjoyed the views alongside the playfulness of my son and niece. 

We had 2 rooms for us which was spacious enough. The rooms were clean and so were the toilets. The overall appearance of the resort is pretty much well-maintained. My brother Allan even mentioned that Dawal Beach Resort has gained great reviews and ratings. The service of the staff is also commendable. 

My mom and some of us took a nap but I didn't, haha! At around 2 pm in the afternoon, it began to rain. We were all keeping our fingers crossed that it'll stop coz we don't have any choice but to postpone it for next day, though it could be a hassle as our Saturday plan would include the island trip and the swimming pool activity would be for the next day. Thank God, the rain stopped! And so we were able to go back to our original plan. 

The boat ride going to the island from the resort was a short one. We weren't able to savor it. But that's fine, we were able to maximize to travel around the island in around 2 hours!  

These are the small things that made our island trip extra special: 
- a yellow butterfly flying around us
- a live starfish
- a rainbow
- the rainbow colored water
- the rainbow colored sky!

When we headed back to the resort, we were extremely tired yet our souls refreshed. Refreshed of the bonding we had with each other, refreshed with the beauty of nature we're at and refreshed that Papa is watching over us. Thoughts of him still bring lumps on my throat. I badly miss him. Just had to shrug it off... 



I have noticed a yellow butterfly flying around our van going to and fro Zambales. Another one during our trip on the island itself and another one on the swimming pool. Perhaps it's Papa! I wish he is with us physically but I know, wherever he is, he is smiling and happy knowing that the family he has established is now stronger than ever... 



will post more photos soon, internet connection getting slow this weekend. :)

All Saint's Day 2013

Of all the days I've filed as a Vacation Leave, I am still thankful- Oct. 31 was approved!!

So we were able to go on an overnight stay at my Papa's gravesite in Heaven's Gate Memorial Gardens. We arrived there at around 8 pm on Thursday and left at lunchtime the next day. Here in the Philippines, during All Saint's Day, cemeteries go super alive! Cemeteries are well-lit, mini-stores everywhere and tents and even the camping ones fill the place, and kids flying their colorful kites are just a regular thing during this time. Drinking sprees until the wee hours of morning by my hubby, brothers and nephews as well as chit-chats.
Good thing there were no mosquitoes and the cold temperature was bearable.

In the sunny morning of Nov. 1, my mom led a prayer while sticking numerous candles for all the souls that we remember, followed by a filling meal and some chit-chats too.

I know Pops appreciated our stay there!

My Halloween Wish

For my VLs (Vacation Leave) to be approved! I've filed for these dates: October 29-November 1, followed by my weekend off. I am praying and hoping for this to be granted as the 29th of October is my me and my hubby's 11th Wedding Anniversary followed by our preparation for our overnight stay at my Papa's Resting place in All Saint's Day and All Soul's Day. We'll be doing this on the 31st of October.

My brother Allan also has arranged a trip to the majestic Potipot Island, Zambales on the 2nd and 3rd of November so I am praying God to grant me these VLs to be approved and for Papa to pray for me so that I could spend some time with him at his gravesite as well as to bond with our family and not to be too much exhausted and time-pressured with our trip. Nevertheless, I am hopeful that we could pull this off successfully!



Lord, please give this to me! Papa, please pray for me. All for the family! We miss you so much Pops!

First All Saint's Day Without Papa

Gosh, time runs extremely fast. Couldn't believe that it has been 10 months since my Dad's passing and his First Death Anniversary is fast approaching.

Filipinos have very strong familial ties. And I wouldn't get surprised that even in death we still commemorate our loved ones who have passed away. During All Saint's Day, it has been a practice to celebrate this event the contemporary way- Halloween parties, trick or treats, wearing scary clothes which are also a fun way, especially with the kids. But what I love about this occasion is going to the cemetery, spending the night of October 31st and/or November 1st with family and relatives on the gravesite of our departed loved ones. I remember our family doing this since I was a kid. During my gradeschool years, we spend the night at my Aunt Encar's gravesite in Paraiso, San Mateo. She is my Papa's older sister. When I reached highschool and moved to Marikina, we often visited and spent All Saint's Day at my niece Anna Loren's gravesite in Heaven's Gate Memorial Gardens. Though we still visit our Aunt Encar's and our other departed relatives' resting place during this occasion as well, we made it a point to spend the night at Anna's since her death in 1998 due to dengue. We usually hold a prayer offered to Anna then just have some bonding time with the rest of the family. I remember my Papa and my brothers told horror stories that just made the night more fun and spooky. :)

On October 31st will be the 1st All Saint's Day Eve we are to spend with my Papa- in his gravesite, beside Anna Loren's.

Yesterday morning, before I went to bed, I was crying for almost an hour, remembering my Papa and recalling his loving ways. I miss him!!!

Then I had a dream that he was in a very beautiful place- clouds like huge cotton candies and and bright sunny skies. I think it's his way of telling me not to be so sad coz he's in a better place.



I love you so much Pops!

My Papa's 1st Birthday After His Death

On September 8, 2013 was my Papa's birthday. If he's still alive, he would be 64 by now.

Last year, in Leyte, he was already admitted in the hospital several days prior to his birthday. Then he was discharged on the 7th. On his birthday, he celebrated it with our relatives, friends and neighbors. His diet was still controlled back then but still he was very happy to be able to spend the day with cheeriness and warmth with the people who have become a part of his life. I sent a cash gift to him and phoned him and my mom. The thought of that day being his last birthday never crossed my mind.
The next day he was admitted to the hospital again.
Oh, he really wanted to get out of the hospital to spend that special day!

We celebrated his celestial birthday on a Sunday, September 8th, 2013 at his resting place. We brought a lot of his fave foods, flowers and prepared a slideshow of his pictures. We didn't include the ones where he was suffering at the hospital- just photos where my Papa was smiling and free from all pain.

The slideshow of Papa's photos

Our family during his birthday

Two birthday cakes and a huge Amber's spaghetti- mouthwatering!

We spent the rainy afternoon, holding a prayer, telling stories about Papa, memories and events that lighten our mood. It's pretty hard to deal with his first birthday after his death but we don't have any choice but to move forward and cherish his memories.

Papa's cap. I could still smell his scent on it!

"We will celebrate you mourn, and mourn you less."



Happy 64th Birthday Papa!!! We miss you terribly. We love you dearly Pops!

My Brother Allan's First Birthday Without Papa

Last August 10 was my Kuya Allan's 35th Birthday. And it was his first birthday without Papa. We celebrated his birthday dinner at Trinity Restaurant in Seaside Macapagal Avenue. We have met them there after they bought the seafood and meat to be cooked or otherwise called "Paluto" at Trinity Restaurant. Hubby and I dropped by at Bannaple first to buy a Banoffee Cake as our birthday gift for him.  We then asked the Banapple staff to put "Happy Birthday Tito Ato" on the cake. My son calls my brother "Tito Ato" as here in the Philippines, we often call our uncles "Tito"; my brother being a lawyer, the "Ato" is a shortened name for "Attorney. The place is really cozy and comfortable too. I'm used to eating grilled foods in an open restaurant (We call those places here in Manila as "Dampa" or "Ihaw-Ihaw") but Trinity has an atmosphere of an elegant but cozy air-conditioned restaurant. There was a strip of restaurants too where people could eat outside if they want to listen to a band or to dine inside. If I'm not mistaken, Trinity also offers live bands as I saw a mic stand, musical instruments and other band thingies on a nook inside. The food, service and place are great! 

The food was astonishingly delicious! It's as if we had our personal waiter too. Shrimps, Grilled Squid, Adobo, Sisig, Sinigang sa Miso, Ensaladang Mangga and Crispy Pata were served, among others. Mouthwatering yet sinfully delicious! We reminded our Mom to just get a little portion of every bit of it as she has a maintenance for having a high blood pressure. She already took Blopress (I believe) prior to eating just to be sure. Those foods were my Papa's favorite, I should know! Aah, it kills me inside thinking that last year he was still with us and now all we do is wishful thinking... 

The next day, we all decided to visit Papa at his grave-site. It was a rainy afternoon, but we have decided to go there by hook or by crook. My brother asked Ate Lita to cook Pancit Canton, Mixed Pork and Chicken Adobo and Ensaladang Mangga. Hubby and I dropped by at JCo Donuts and bought 2 dozens of assorted ones. My Mom is a certified nut-lover and I didn't get surprised when the Alcapone became her favorite. I still love the Avocado Dicaprio. Glad that our contact at the cemetery was able to prepare the tent and 10 chairs so we could stay there comfortably, bond with the rest of the family and with my Pops too, in spirit, :) !



It's true we all have to deal with the loss and move on with our lives, coz if Papa was still here, I think he wanted us to do so. As long as we remain strong for each other and we include him in our prayers and in all the important events in our lives, Pops will remain alive. 


will post photos soon

The Best Day by Taylor Swift and Bye Bye by Mariah Carey

I admit, I'm uber emotional. I cry while watching Titanic over and over again. I cry while I watch Finding Nemo. With regards to songs, ever since I was a kid, I listen to a song not solely on the musical arrangement but on the lyrics primarily. Would you believe that when I was still 9 years old, the popular songs of Eraserheads were not my fave, but their single "Poorman's Grave" was at the top of my list? I love the meaning of it.

So now that my Papa's gone, I'm a sucker for all songs that relate to father and daughter relationship, death of a parent or something that tells about a person leaving. Whatever genre it's in, as long as the meaning revolves around those I've mentioned, then I'm a fan of it! It helps me express myself and think about memories with my Papa. The things he has taught me and the way he lived which made me realize important things in life. He was not perfect, nor how he lived his life- from there I should extract the great things and apply them to my life; the not so good ones should serve as a lesson. 

I super love the songs "Rainbow" and "Dance With My Father". Recently, these two are my favorite. Here are the lyrics and sources of "Bye Bye" by Mariah Carey and "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift.

BYE BYE 

by Mariah Carey

SOURCE: http://videokeman.com/mariah-carey/bye-bye-mariah-carey/  

This is for my people who just lost somebody

Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady

Put your hand way up high

We will never say bye (no, no, no)

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins

This is for my people who lost their grandmothers

Lift your head to the sky ‘cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times

I didn’t get it but you kept me in line

I didn’t know why you didn’t show up sometimes

On sunday mornings and I missed you

But when we talked too

All them grown full things

Separation brings

You never let me know it

You never let it show because

You loved me and obviously

There’s so much more left to say

If you were with me today face to face

Chorus

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”

“I wish I could find a way try not to cry”

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I’ll give the whole world to see your face

And I’m bragging right next to you

It feels like you gone too soon

The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I’ve done

And you never got to see me back at number one

I wish that you were here to celebrate together

I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night

With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight

I thought you were so strong

That you can make it through whatever

It’s so hard to accept the fact you’re gone forever

Chorus

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”

“I wish I could find a way try not to cry”

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I’ll give the world to see your face

And I’m bragging right next to you where

It feels like you gone too soon

The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody

Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady

Put your hand way up high

We will never say bye (no, no, no)

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins

This is for my people who lost their grandfather

Lift your head to the sky ‘cause we will never say bye

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”

“I wish I could find a way try not to cry”

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I’ll give the world to see your face

And I’m bragging right next to you

It feels like you gone too soon

The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

THE BEST DAY 

by Taylor Swift

SOURCE: http://videokeman.com/taylor-swift/the-best-day-taylor-swift/

I’m 5 years old It’s getting cold out

Got my big coat on

I hear your laugh And look up at smilin at you

I run and run

Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides

Look now, the sky is gold

I hug your legs and fall asleep

On the way home

I don’t know why all the trees change in the fall oh oh

But I know you’re not scared of anything at all oh oh

Don’t know if Snow White’s house is near or far away

But I know I had the best day with you today

I’m 13 now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean

I come home crying and you hold me tight

And grab the keys

And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away

And we talk and window shop til I forgotten

All their names

I don’t know who I’m gonna talk to now at school uh uh

But I know I’m laughin pn the car ride home with you uh uh

Don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel okay but I know I had the best day

With you, today

I have an excellent father

His strength is making me stronger

God smiles on my little brother

Inside and out he’s better than nothin

I grew up in a pretty house

And I had space to run

And I had .. The Best Days with you

There is a video I found

From back when I was three

You set up a paint set in the kitchen

And you’re talkin’ to me

It’s the edge of princesses and pirate ships

And the seven dwarfs

My Daddy’s smart and you’re the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why the all the trees change in the fall oh oh

I know you were on my side even when I was wrong

And I love you for giving me your eyes

Staying back and watching me shine

And I didn’t know if you knew

So I’m takin’ this chance to say

I had the best day

With you, today

Papa, I remember our afternoon naps when I was a kid, our chit-chats, our funny moments- everything. But when I grew older, started out my own family, got busy with work, I just wish I had the chance to say a lot of things more than "I Love You"...