My Parents' First Wedding Anniversary Without Papa

Oh boy, I know this year of 2013 will surely include a lot of firsts without Papa. First New Year without him. First Valentine's Day without him. First birthday of ours without him. First Mother's Day without him. But I know, for my Mama, the most painful would be their first wedding anniversary WITHOUT Papa.

Last May 19, 2013 was their 37th Wedding Anniversary. My Mama was in Leyte having some paperworks done with regards to the properties left by Papa. Ate Lita was also there to accompany her. My siblings and I were all here in Manila. We've decided to visit Papa's resting place and spend some time there for the occasion. Nothing grandiose whatsoever, as Mama plans to have another celebration when she gets back here in Manila. Nevertheless, we still decided to buy a cake to celebrate that day. Bringing a whole Goldilocks chocolate cake roll and a 2 Liter Coke zero to Heaven's Gate. Offering a prayer for Papa, greeting him and just had a good chit-chat with hubby and Kuya Eric. Solenn and Skylar also had fun playing with each other.

37 years of marriage is indeed something and we would want to honor them for being a good example in being true to the words uttered in front of God on their wedding day, "Till death do us part.". My parents' marriage was never a perfect one, as with any type of relationships. Their differences, age gap, decisions, preferences are just some of the few things that cause their numerous misunderstandings. But we grew up seeing them fight then reconcile. I've seen that they truly love each other, coz if they didn't, considering the fact that Papa has spent more time in Leyte than here in Manila, they wouldn't be as strong as the last time they were together. But their love for each other was what made them intact and what made our family overcome life's difficulties. It's just so sad that when my siblings and I are about to realize our dreams, Papa left us. I know Mama and Papa are both happy to see that all of us, including our spouses, having gained a good education and stable jobs, but it's something that still make my heart ache. I would still want to share my successes with them...  

When I greeted my mom through a text message, she replied that she talked to Papa and greeted him too. She said that Papa might be happy that she's there in Leyte, taking care of his farm and crops... I know she didn't magnify that painful feeling of celebrating that day without Papa around from now on... I know she was on tears. She's a strong woman, my mom, willing to move on with her life carrying that void in her heart.... "Till death do they part" indeed.

Papa's Number 1 Interest: Derby or Cockfighting

If Papa had a Pinterest account, his board will surely include a lot of pics on cockfighting! :)

I know, I'm stating the obvious. But I sometimes feel like this is his first love! LOL. Well, of course I wouldn't think that he does, as I know, deep in my heart, our family comes first for him. But when we are talking about his love for a specific thing or interest, it's no doubt that cockfighting or derby has been his first love on this category.

I grew up seeing my Papa go to the weekly derby. He loves betting small amounts of money that he perhaps has saved from his daily earnings. He considers this as one of the things he argues with Mama before coz Mama wants him to put a halt on this type of interest. But it's easier said than done knowing the fact that Papa has first  taken cared of a fighting cock when he was just 7 years old.  

I think, if Papa was able to get a good education, he would choose one in line with the medical field. I grew up seeing him perform numerous surgeries to tons of his fighting cocks who apparently got lost while on the cockfight. Amazingly, the said fighting cocks survive and even made it to the succeeding fights. I remember holding the lampshade over the cock and curiously watching my Papa look more of a Veterinary Surgeon. Haha.
Our eldest is a dentist and I guess he's the only one who's not afraid of blood, surgery and all those stuff. And it's evident among us on where he got his guts and courage in facing those challenges in the medical industry- it's from Pops! 

As with any type of gambling, my Papa had his wins and losses. But I could say that pretty much had much of the former. He's a very generous person and when he wins, I'm telling you, the people around him didn't have to ask for some money or "balato". If he was ready to share his blessings to his friends and relatives, he's much more ready to give a lot to us! He'd give us money, treat us out and some other things that make us have a good time. 

Now, whenever I see a fighting cock, be it a real one or just a picture; a derby or anything related to it, the only thing I utter, whether silently or verbally, is "Papa"...


I miss you so much Papa...   

My Father Ultimately Loved Cars

I couldn't deny the fact that Papa loves cars ever since. When Mama and Papa were still a newbie in terms of starting out our family, would you believe that they've got 3- and we were not even rich! I wasn't born yet during that time so my brothers were really luckier to have those wheels to travel a lot. When I was born and Papa was diagnosed with Diabetes, they have decided to sell the said cars. When I was 10, my parents bought a used Suzuki Super Carry. I won't forget those Popeye stickers on it! My Papa used the said vehicle for work. I recall those times that he'd bring "pasalubongs" and lots of fruits every night after work. Only goes to show that Papa was such a caring dad. 

When Papa was in Leyte, he had a sports car customized that looked like a go kart! He also had a 3-wheel bicycle. It was pink and he was so proud when he showed it to me! 

I do think that our love for vehicles is rooted to Papa's influence on us. When hubby and I worked abroad, we initially invested for an SUV for a transport business. My siblings have also chosen to buy their own cars when they were able to afford one. I guess Papa was amazed with the kind of taste my siblings have for cars- Ford Focus Hatchback 2010, Chevrolet Spark 2011 and a Mazda 3 2009. 

I do believe that if Papa has funds he might have filled our garage with tons of cars in different shapes and sizes- be it an old school model, the latest race-car type or the one with odd features... Oh Pops... 

Do Souls Have Memories?

I don't know what you're currently thinking. I don't know where you are now.
Are you around and could really see us? Or are you with the angels up above watching over us?
Are you here roaming around, enjoying your liberty without any knowledge that you've been a great dad in your past life? 
If your body has died, I wonder, will your memories die too? If so, you probably forgot everything about me, about you- everything about us.
Are you just in your resting place waiting patiently and eagerly for our visits?
Are you there, lying at peace, waiting for that day for all of us to be reunited as promised in the Bible?
Or are you gone forever Pops? 

"I have faith in you Lord that you have something great ahead of each one of us. That you have prepared something to those who believe in You. And I look forward to that day that our families will all be reunited as one, in whatever way you have for us."

Realities set in...

I go on with my life, with you in my heart. But once in a while, I realize, you're indeed no longer here.
I look at your things, with the dust; your stuff were never moved since then and will never be used no more.
This pain just keeps on getting stronger, I thought it'll pass.
But no, it will never end, it's here.
Papa, your memories are here. Each day I always think of you.
The freshness of the hurt and pain when you left is still here.
They say it'll be over each day but I beg to differ- it's not.
It's still here Pops and I'm still hurting much.

Songs About Fathers and Fatherhood

My fave song about daddies?? A lot! From the popular ones to the oldies, I'm planning to create a compilation. I've got tons on my phone's  Memos and To Do list. I've even got one folder of it on my PC. I'll definitely need to finalize 'em. Like a list of songs about fatherhood, a father's bond between his son, daughter, wife and the rest of his family and/or songs that include the greatness of being a daddy.

For now, I just wanna share this country song about a father and son's relationship. I like it, albeit the painful truthfulness on its lyrics, taking comfort on those words being the key to start opening the memories I had with my Pops, thus making them alive...

“Cat’s in the Cradle” 

by Harry Chapin 

My child arrived just the other day

He came to the world in the usual way

But there were planes to catch and bills to pay

He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew

He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad

You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home dad?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day

He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play

Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today

I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"

And he walked away but his smile never dimmed

And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah

You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day

So much like a man I just had to say

"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"

He shook his head and said with a smile

"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys

See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away

I called him up just the other day

I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"

He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time

You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu

But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad

It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me

He'd grown up just like me

My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then 

Blog to be continued

"I love you Pop and I hope to create a compilation in honor of the memories I had with you."

Another dream, another meaning

I had a dream - again. Papa came back. He was very alive. We were all rejoicing when he returned. Surreal, it was. He explained to me what happened on that day when we cried out loud on the morgue while holding him. "This is what happened" he said. "From afar, I could see you, Mama and my lifeless body." I asked him, "How do you see us Papa? Do you see everything around us?" My Papa responded, "No. When I see you, a circle of light surrounds you. I couldn't see the other objects around you. All I see are you and that light."

The next scene I was hugging my Papa as he sat on a couch. He was wearing a white shirt. I hugged him tightly. It's the warmth from an embrace that's more than the distance we had when we lost him. It's more than that. It's a mixture of happiness, fear of losing him again and gripping tightly onto him...

Alas, I woke up. And every piece of our life's longing for my Papa burst like tiny bubbles....


Is it the way my Papa explained what really happened? Did he do it to comfort me? Did he do it to assure me that he could see us anytime, that he is with us? Or again, it is just a product of my imagination? Only God knows....

My Papa's Memorial Website

     I've been surfing the internet to keep myself preoccupied. Searching for facts, information and data to at least lessening the heavy feeling I have due to my dad's passing. Trying to find people in forums and articles written by those who have shared the same tragic experience as mine. I've come across two online obituaries which offer free and paid subscriptions. These are the two websites where I've created an online obituary or tribute for my Papa.

Christian Memorials

Your Tribute

    I've availed of the free subscription on the said websites. Indeed, the features are limited for the subscription I availed. Nevertheless I am glad that these websites offer these kind of services because through them I am able to honor my father online and we get the chance to have his website that we could visit to, post on and offer our virtual gifts to. Our relatives could even visit the said sites to know what exactly happened to my Papa days before his passing.

Trusting God's Decisions

I had an a monthly progressive report with my supervisor and he actually commended me for having a bright disposition and exuding positive energy at work despite the fact that I lost my dad only a couple of months ago. I am like that, and have always been, ever since. From what I remember, it took me a month since December 10 for me to fully act normally at work. That's the time that I always feel a lump on my throat. How did I do it? Well the pain will forever be present in my heart and in my head, I guess. It's the question on how I've dealt with the freshness of it and how I am going to deal with it for the rest of my life. In my Ezine article, I've explained the several things we could do in dealing with the loss, but I guess each one of us has our own way of dealing with it because situations, family ties and personalities do vary.

Right now, besides those things that I myself do to help myself and my family, I have learned to trust God. Trust His plans for us. Trust His decisions. Trust His promises. If I cling on to the memories of my dad, I hold on tightly on God's promises in the Bible. It gives me strength to face the realities of life. The love that my dad had for us and the love I have for my dad, in life or death, is always connected to faith. God is love and so I relax and just entrust everything to Him - a hope that someday, all of us will be reconciled in Paradise and that Papa is waiting for us. Right now, Papa could only watch us, guiding us to surpass life's challenges. Oh, and helping us pray to God. After all, he is the one closest to God now. :)


"Papa, I've cried a while ago. As usual, your memories comforted me. Thank you Pop. I love and miss you..."

The Book of Tomorrow by Cecelia Ahern

I've recently read the book by Cecelia Ahern entitled "The Book of Tomorrow". It is the first book by Ahern that I've read and I admire how she's able to combine magic along with the painful truth of death in life. It's not only about the death of Tamara's dad that I am able to relate to but it is a book about hope. A story that everyone who shared the same experience or not could relate to. I have gained a lot of insight from the said book. Will post here excerpts and my POVs soon.