2nd Christmas Without Papa (2013)

It's the 2nd Christmas without Papa around. Of course, this one's less painful than the one in 2012 but it is still PAINFUL!! God, we miss him badly and I know that deep in our hearts we only have one wish- for him to be with us again, and knowing that it's impossible then we go to our next option of offering a prayer for him and just be present for each other.  I'm glad that our family is closer now but also sad that we had to experience this kind of loss before getting closer to each other. I mean, we were fine way before but what we have right now is some kind of a bond that is mixed with a fear of losing each other...



Merry Christmas Papa!! Please pray for us, that God may give us strength without you. You're always in our prayers Papa, never a day passes without thinking of you and a prayer offered for you. We love you Papa!!

2nd Memorial Tattoo

I have gotten my 2nd Tribute tat for my father several days after his 1st Death Anniversary and just a couple of days before Christmas. I did it to honor his memories and also the pain I've went through with it signifies the end of my mourning. But as I've stated with my recent blog, I don't think my grief will end. Nevertheless, it's one of the gifts that I had for him as I do believe that my prayers, cherishing his memories and the pain I had while getting the tat done are the intangible things that I feel are worth offering to him.

It's his signature with a heart!! :)


I love you so much Pops! Don't know if you still feel our love or we will meet again but FAITH is the only thing that keeps me holding on. 

Papa's First Death Anniversary

365 days. Yes. It has been a year since my Dad left us.

365 days filled with happiness, sorrow, grief, regrets and longing. Days with sudden chuckles brought about by his memories and moments of outbursts- tears from the pain of losing him. Whenever the truth hits me, the realization just comes over and over again- we will never bring him back. God has taken my dad away from us, but closer to Him. 

Last December 10, we have celebrated his First Death Anniversary or "Babang Luksa". My mom told me that it's the time where the mourning of the bereaved families end. We have decided to offer a mass for him in St. Joseph's Parish Anonas, Q.C. A prayer ceremony filled with songs was also held at his resting place in the afternoon. We had 12 white balloons to commemorate him. At around 5 pm, we have decided to head to Renaissance Cafeteria at the Renaissance Convention Center, in Riverbanks Center Marikina. We had our closest family and relatives attend the dinner for our Papa. 

The prayer ceremony held at his resting place

Hope that balloon reaches you Pops! :)

Our Giveaways

Papa

The Buffet

Truly, we have enjoyed the buffet!

The tarp made my Mom cry while we were on our way to Papa's resting place. 

The giveaways- colorful cupcakes! 

I'm so glad that we're able to pull it off successfully! 


As for me, I don't think this grief will end at that point. Right at this very moment, I couldn't imagine myself not grieving for him. I will cherish his memories and I could say that with surety, but the pain of him leaving us will still hurt till the very end- I know. 

All Souls Day Trip: Our Potipot Island Getaway

Our All Soul's Day trip was a family outing at Dawal Resort in Candelaria, Zambales and also at the beautiful Potipot Island.   On Nov. 1 I had to go to work as my leave wasn't approved. Still I thank God that He has given me the energy to enjoy our weekend activity- Our Potipot Island Getaway!! 

Around 8 am on Nov. 2, all of us boarded the Nissan Urvan my brother hired to get to Dawal Resort in Cadelaria, Zambales. It was a 5-trip and we enjoyed the views alongside the playfulness of my son and niece. 

We had 2 rooms for us which was spacious enough. The rooms were clean and so were the toilets. The overall appearance of the resort is pretty much well-maintained. My brother Allan even mentioned that Dawal Beach Resort has gained great reviews and ratings. The service of the staff is also commendable. 

My mom and some of us took a nap but I didn't, haha! At around 2 pm in the afternoon, it began to rain. We were all keeping our fingers crossed that it'll stop coz we don't have any choice but to postpone it for next day, though it could be a hassle as our Saturday plan would include the island trip and the swimming pool activity would be for the next day. Thank God, the rain stopped! And so we were able to go back to our original plan. 

The boat ride going to the island from the resort was a short one. We weren't able to savor it. But that's fine, we were able to maximize to travel around the island in around 2 hours!  

These are the small things that made our island trip extra special: 
- a yellow butterfly flying around us
- a live starfish
- a rainbow
- the rainbow colored water
- the rainbow colored sky!

When we headed back to the resort, we were extremely tired yet our souls refreshed. Refreshed of the bonding we had with each other, refreshed with the beauty of nature we're at and refreshed that Papa is watching over us. Thoughts of him still bring lumps on my throat. I badly miss him. Just had to shrug it off... 



I have noticed a yellow butterfly flying around our van going to and fro Zambales. Another one during our trip on the island itself and another one on the swimming pool. Perhaps it's Papa! I wish he is with us physically but I know, wherever he is, he is smiling and happy knowing that the family he has established is now stronger than ever... 



will post more photos soon, internet connection getting slow this weekend. :)

All Saint's Day 2013

Of all the days I've filed as a Vacation Leave, I am still thankful- Oct. 31 was approved!!

So we were able to go on an overnight stay at my Papa's gravesite in Heaven's Gate Memorial Gardens. We arrived there at around 8 pm on Thursday and left at lunchtime the next day. Here in the Philippines, during All Saint's Day, cemeteries go super alive! Cemeteries are well-lit, mini-stores everywhere and tents and even the camping ones fill the place, and kids flying their colorful kites are just a regular thing during this time. Drinking sprees until the wee hours of morning by my hubby, brothers and nephews as well as chit-chats.
Good thing there were no mosquitoes and the cold temperature was bearable.

In the sunny morning of Nov. 1, my mom led a prayer while sticking numerous candles for all the souls that we remember, followed by a filling meal and some chit-chats too.

I know Pops appreciated our stay there!

My Halloween Wish

For my VLs (Vacation Leave) to be approved! I've filed for these dates: October 29-November 1, followed by my weekend off. I am praying and hoping for this to be granted as the 29th of October is my me and my hubby's 11th Wedding Anniversary followed by our preparation for our overnight stay at my Papa's Resting place in All Saint's Day and All Soul's Day. We'll be doing this on the 31st of October.

My brother Allan also has arranged a trip to the majestic Potipot Island, Zambales on the 2nd and 3rd of November so I am praying God to grant me these VLs to be approved and for Papa to pray for me so that I could spend some time with him at his gravesite as well as to bond with our family and not to be too much exhausted and time-pressured with our trip. Nevertheless, I am hopeful that we could pull this off successfully!



Lord, please give this to me! Papa, please pray for me. All for the family! We miss you so much Pops!

First All Saint's Day Without Papa

Gosh, time runs extremely fast. Couldn't believe that it has been 10 months since my Dad's passing and his First Death Anniversary is fast approaching.

Filipinos have very strong familial ties. And I wouldn't get surprised that even in death we still commemorate our loved ones who have passed away. During All Saint's Day, it has been a practice to celebrate this event the contemporary way- Halloween parties, trick or treats, wearing scary clothes which are also a fun way, especially with the kids. But what I love about this occasion is going to the cemetery, spending the night of October 31st and/or November 1st with family and relatives on the gravesite of our departed loved ones. I remember our family doing this since I was a kid. During my gradeschool years, we spend the night at my Aunt Encar's gravesite in Paraiso, San Mateo. She is my Papa's older sister. When I reached highschool and moved to Marikina, we often visited and spent All Saint's Day at my niece Anna Loren's gravesite in Heaven's Gate Memorial Gardens. Though we still visit our Aunt Encar's and our other departed relatives' resting place during this occasion as well, we made it a point to spend the night at Anna's since her death in 1998 due to dengue. We usually hold a prayer offered to Anna then just have some bonding time with the rest of the family. I remember my Papa and my brothers told horror stories that just made the night more fun and spooky. :)

On October 31st will be the 1st All Saint's Day Eve we are to spend with my Papa- in his gravesite, beside Anna Loren's.

Yesterday morning, before I went to bed, I was crying for almost an hour, remembering my Papa and recalling his loving ways. I miss him!!!

Then I had a dream that he was in a very beautiful place- clouds like huge cotton candies and and bright sunny skies. I think it's his way of telling me not to be so sad coz he's in a better place.



I love you so much Pops!

My Papa's 1st Birthday After His Death

On September 8, 2013 was my Papa's birthday. If he's still alive, he would be 64 by now.

Last year, in Leyte, he was already admitted in the hospital several days prior to his birthday. Then he was discharged on the 7th. On his birthday, he celebrated it with our relatives, friends and neighbors. His diet was still controlled back then but still he was very happy to be able to spend the day with cheeriness and warmth with the people who have become a part of his life. I sent a cash gift to him and phoned him and my mom. The thought of that day being his last birthday never crossed my mind.
The next day he was admitted to the hospital again.
Oh, he really wanted to get out of the hospital to spend that special day!

We celebrated his celestial birthday on a Sunday, September 8th, 2013 at his resting place. We brought a lot of his fave foods, flowers and prepared a slideshow of his pictures. We didn't include the ones where he was suffering at the hospital- just photos where my Papa was smiling and free from all pain.

The slideshow of Papa's photos

Our family during his birthday

Two birthday cakes and a huge Amber's spaghetti- mouthwatering!

We spent the rainy afternoon, holding a prayer, telling stories about Papa, memories and events that lighten our mood. It's pretty hard to deal with his first birthday after his death but we don't have any choice but to move forward and cherish his memories.

Papa's cap. I could still smell his scent on it!

"We will celebrate you mourn, and mourn you less."



Happy 64th Birthday Papa!!! We miss you terribly. We love you dearly Pops!

My Brother Allan's First Birthday Without Papa

Last August 10 was my Kuya Allan's 35th Birthday. And it was his first birthday without Papa. We celebrated his birthday dinner at Trinity Restaurant in Seaside Macapagal Avenue. We have met them there after they bought the seafood and meat to be cooked or otherwise called "Paluto" at Trinity Restaurant. Hubby and I dropped by at Bannaple first to buy a Banoffee Cake as our birthday gift for him.  We then asked the Banapple staff to put "Happy Birthday Tito Ato" on the cake. My son calls my brother "Tito Ato" as here in the Philippines, we often call our uncles "Tito"; my brother being a lawyer, the "Ato" is a shortened name for "Attorney. The place is really cozy and comfortable too. I'm used to eating grilled foods in an open restaurant (We call those places here in Manila as "Dampa" or "Ihaw-Ihaw") but Trinity has an atmosphere of an elegant but cozy air-conditioned restaurant. There was a strip of restaurants too where people could eat outside if they want to listen to a band or to dine inside. If I'm not mistaken, Trinity also offers live bands as I saw a mic stand, musical instruments and other band thingies on a nook inside. The food, service and place are great! 

The food was astonishingly delicious! It's as if we had our personal waiter too. Shrimps, Grilled Squid, Adobo, Sisig, Sinigang sa Miso, Ensaladang Mangga and Crispy Pata were served, among others. Mouthwatering yet sinfully delicious! We reminded our Mom to just get a little portion of every bit of it as she has a maintenance for having a high blood pressure. She already took Blopress (I believe) prior to eating just to be sure. Those foods were my Papa's favorite, I should know! Aah, it kills me inside thinking that last year he was still with us and now all we do is wishful thinking... 

The next day, we all decided to visit Papa at his grave-site. It was a rainy afternoon, but we have decided to go there by hook or by crook. My brother asked Ate Lita to cook Pancit Canton, Mixed Pork and Chicken Adobo and Ensaladang Mangga. Hubby and I dropped by at JCo Donuts and bought 2 dozens of assorted ones. My Mom is a certified nut-lover and I didn't get surprised when the Alcapone became her favorite. I still love the Avocado Dicaprio. Glad that our contact at the cemetery was able to prepare the tent and 10 chairs so we could stay there comfortably, bond with the rest of the family and with my Pops too, in spirit, :) !



It's true we all have to deal with the loss and move on with our lives, coz if Papa was still here, I think he wanted us to do so. As long as we remain strong for each other and we include him in our prayers and in all the important events in our lives, Pops will remain alive. 


will post photos soon

The Best Day by Taylor Swift and Bye Bye by Mariah Carey

I admit, I'm uber emotional. I cry while watching Titanic over and over again. I cry while I watch Finding Nemo. With regards to songs, ever since I was a kid, I listen to a song not solely on the musical arrangement but on the lyrics primarily. Would you believe that when I was still 9 years old, the popular songs of Eraserheads were not my fave, but their single "Poorman's Grave" was at the top of my list? I love the meaning of it.

So now that my Papa's gone, I'm a sucker for all songs that relate to father and daughter relationship, death of a parent or something that tells about a person leaving. Whatever genre it's in, as long as the meaning revolves around those I've mentioned, then I'm a fan of it! It helps me express myself and think about memories with my Papa. The things he has taught me and the way he lived which made me realize important things in life. He was not perfect, nor how he lived his life- from there I should extract the great things and apply them to my life; the not so good ones should serve as a lesson. 

I super love the songs "Rainbow" and "Dance With My Father". Recently, these two are my favorite. Here are the lyrics and sources of "Bye Bye" by Mariah Carey and "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift.

BYE BYE 

by Mariah Carey

SOURCE: http://videokeman.com/mariah-carey/bye-bye-mariah-carey/  

This is for my people who just lost somebody

Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady

Put your hand way up high

We will never say bye (no, no, no)

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins

This is for my people who lost their grandmothers

Lift your head to the sky ‘cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times

I didn’t get it but you kept me in line

I didn’t know why you didn’t show up sometimes

On sunday mornings and I missed you

But when we talked too

All them grown full things

Separation brings

You never let me know it

You never let it show because

You loved me and obviously

There’s so much more left to say

If you were with me today face to face

Chorus

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”

“I wish I could find a way try not to cry”

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I’ll give the whole world to see your face

And I’m bragging right next to you

It feels like you gone too soon

The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I’ve done

And you never got to see me back at number one

I wish that you were here to celebrate together

I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night

With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight

I thought you were so strong

That you can make it through whatever

It’s so hard to accept the fact you’re gone forever

Chorus

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”

“I wish I could find a way try not to cry”

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I’ll give the world to see your face

And I’m bragging right next to you where

It feels like you gone too soon

The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye By-bye By-bye

By-Bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody

Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady

Put your hand way up high

We will never say bye (no, no, no)

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins

This is for my people who lost their grandfather

Lift your head to the sky ‘cause we will never say bye

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”

“I wish I could find a way try not to cry”

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I’ll give the world to see your face

And I’m bragging right next to you

It feels like you gone too soon

The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

THE BEST DAY 

by Taylor Swift

SOURCE: http://videokeman.com/taylor-swift/the-best-day-taylor-swift/

I’m 5 years old It’s getting cold out

Got my big coat on

I hear your laugh And look up at smilin at you

I run and run

Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides

Look now, the sky is gold

I hug your legs and fall asleep

On the way home

I don’t know why all the trees change in the fall oh oh

But I know you’re not scared of anything at all oh oh

Don’t know if Snow White’s house is near or far away

But I know I had the best day with you today

I’m 13 now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean

I come home crying and you hold me tight

And grab the keys

And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away

And we talk and window shop til I forgotten

All their names

I don’t know who I’m gonna talk to now at school uh uh

But I know I’m laughin pn the car ride home with you uh uh

Don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel okay but I know I had the best day

With you, today

I have an excellent father

His strength is making me stronger

God smiles on my little brother

Inside and out he’s better than nothin

I grew up in a pretty house

And I had space to run

And I had .. The Best Days with you

There is a video I found

From back when I was three

You set up a paint set in the kitchen

And you’re talkin’ to me

It’s the edge of princesses and pirate ships

And the seven dwarfs

My Daddy’s smart and you’re the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why the all the trees change in the fall oh oh

I know you were on my side even when I was wrong

And I love you for giving me your eyes

Staying back and watching me shine

And I didn’t know if you knew

So I’m takin’ this chance to say

I had the best day

With you, today

Papa, I remember our afternoon naps when I was a kid, our chit-chats, our funny moments- everything. But when I grew older, started out my own family, got busy with work, I just wish I had the chance to say a lot of things more than "I Love You"... 

Missing My Pops

Would you believe that when I was falling asleep while typing, I accidentally typed the word "Papa" without knowing it? He's definitely in my heart.

Dinner With Some of Papa's Favorite Foods

Last night, we had our dinner at Claire dela Fuente's Tiendesitas. Our meal included Barbecue, Liempo, Ensaladang Mangga and Sinigang sa Miso. Imagine those with 4 cups of rice and drinks for only 430 pesos, what a deal! Hubby and I had Iced Tea for our drinks and Skylar had his Fruitas Mango Shake. As we were eating, the thought of Papa has crossed my mind. Liempo and Sinigang sa Miso were his favorites! I know, if he's still around, he's probably with us right at that moment having dinner with us and his apo.

The other day I had a dream of him. He looked so sickly and his hair was a bit long too. But there he was, again, smiling at us. I am glad that most of my dreams where he appeared he seemed happy and contented, free from all those physical pains...

I was crying a few hours before this writing. I miss him so much and I could definitely say that I'm still mourning.

My Tribute Tattoo For My Papa

A tribute to my Papa that I never thought I'd get. It's my Father's Day gift for him.
Painful but cathartic indeed. 

Will post soon. 
This one's for you Pops. :)

My First Birthday Without Papa

My 29th birthday will  be tomorrow. I should be happy as I'll be having a triple celebration- one with my hubby and son,  the 2nd one would be with my mom and siblings and the 3rd one's on Thursday after my Vacation Leave with my teammates. I am happy- well I should be. I am grateful to God for all the blessings and years He continues to give me, but honestly speaking I feel a bit sad. It's because it'll be my first birthday without my Papa. I couldn't believe the fact that I'll be celebrating it without him around. It sometimes doesn't sink in, but now it does- and it freakin' hurts.

Tomorrow we're planning to go and visit his resting place in the afternoon before my birthday dinner. Looking back, I remember my birthday parties when I was a kid with him, and he was always present too in my son's birthday parties. I miss him so much. Most of the time, I think that he will always be remembered and he will forever stay in my heart but that thought doesn't console me now that my birthday is approaching and all I have are just his memories. I know if he's here, he would greet me "Happy birthday Joy and will give me a kiss and hug... Oh boy, I super miss him. :(



"Pops, tomorrow is my 29th birthday. Thanks for being with me for more than 28 years. The things you've taught me will remain in me and the lessons in life you've shared with me will continually inspire me, my son and the next generations. I thank you for everything. Please pray for me and our family that God will always guide us, protect us, grant us good health and continually bless us. I love you Papa."

FIRST FATHER'S DAY WITHOUT PAPA

Who would forget the 3rd Sunday of June? Yes, it's the big day for daddies! And as much as we excitedly celebrate Mother's Day so does we commemorate the day for the guys who first loved us, the guys who first protected us and who first took care of us. Of course they're our beloved dads! 

Today, I couldn't avoid shedding a tear because I extremely miss my Pops as this is the first Father's Day without him. It's been 6 months but the pain is still here. Now with all those movies and documentaries focusing on topics about fathers, I couldn't help myself from recalling the things my Pops did to show his love for us. 

Before, whenever I see quotes about dads who have passed away, I felt touched and a bit sad, but I admit, it probably was a little superficial. But right now, when I see a passage, a saying or a single line stating something about the departed fathers, I just cry out loud... Indeed when this  life-changing thing happens to you, it'll eat you up inside. 


Here are 5 of the quotes which make me reflect, contemplate and think about my Pops more this Father's Day:

From kootation.com

From christianpost.com

From verybestquotes.com

From www.kootation.com

From myquoteshome.com

Happy Father's Day Pops!! We love you!!

My Parents' First Wedding Anniversary Without Papa

Oh boy, I know this year of 2013 will surely include a lot of firsts without Papa. First New Year without him. First Valentine's Day without him. First birthday of ours without him. First Mother's Day without him. But I know, for my Mama, the most painful would be their first wedding anniversary WITHOUT Papa.

Last May 19, 2013 was their 37th Wedding Anniversary. My Mama was in Leyte having some paperworks done with regards to the properties left by Papa. Ate Lita was also there to accompany her. My siblings and I were all here in Manila. We've decided to visit Papa's resting place and spend some time there for the occasion. Nothing grandiose whatsoever, as Mama plans to have another celebration when she gets back here in Manila. Nevertheless, we still decided to buy a cake to celebrate that day. Bringing a whole Goldilocks chocolate cake roll and a 2 Liter Coke zero to Heaven's Gate. Offering a prayer for Papa, greeting him and just had a good chit-chat with hubby and Kuya Eric. Solenn and Skylar also had fun playing with each other.

37 years of marriage is indeed something and we would want to honor them for being a good example in being true to the words uttered in front of God on their wedding day, "Till death do us part.". My parents' marriage was never a perfect one, as with any type of relationships. Their differences, age gap, decisions, preferences are just some of the few things that cause their numerous misunderstandings. But we grew up seeing them fight then reconcile. I've seen that they truly love each other, coz if they didn't, considering the fact that Papa has spent more time in Leyte than here in Manila, they wouldn't be as strong as the last time they were together. But their love for each other was what made them intact and what made our family overcome life's difficulties. It's just so sad that when my siblings and I are about to realize our dreams, Papa left us. I know Mama and Papa are both happy to see that all of us, including our spouses, having gained a good education and stable jobs, but it's something that still make my heart ache. I would still want to share my successes with them...  

When I greeted my mom through a text message, she replied that she talked to Papa and greeted him too. She said that Papa might be happy that she's there in Leyte, taking care of his farm and crops... I know she didn't magnify that painful feeling of celebrating that day without Papa around from now on... I know she was on tears. She's a strong woman, my mom, willing to move on with her life carrying that void in her heart.... "Till death do they part" indeed.

Papa's Number 1 Interest: Derby or Cockfighting

If Papa had a Pinterest account, his board will surely include a lot of pics on cockfighting! :)

I know, I'm stating the obvious. But I sometimes feel like this is his first love! LOL. Well, of course I wouldn't think that he does, as I know, deep in my heart, our family comes first for him. But when we are talking about his love for a specific thing or interest, it's no doubt that cockfighting or derby has been his first love on this category.

I grew up seeing my Papa go to the weekly derby. He loves betting small amounts of money that he perhaps has saved from his daily earnings. He considers this as one of the things he argues with Mama before coz Mama wants him to put a halt on this type of interest. But it's easier said than done knowing the fact that Papa has first  taken cared of a fighting cock when he was just 7 years old.  

I think, if Papa was able to get a good education, he would choose one in line with the medical field. I grew up seeing him perform numerous surgeries to tons of his fighting cocks who apparently got lost while on the cockfight. Amazingly, the said fighting cocks survive and even made it to the succeeding fights. I remember holding the lampshade over the cock and curiously watching my Papa look more of a Veterinary Surgeon. Haha.
Our eldest is a dentist and I guess he's the only one who's not afraid of blood, surgery and all those stuff. And it's evident among us on where he got his guts and courage in facing those challenges in the medical industry- it's from Pops! 

As with any type of gambling, my Papa had his wins and losses. But I could say that pretty much had much of the former. He's a very generous person and when he wins, I'm telling you, the people around him didn't have to ask for some money or "balato". If he was ready to share his blessings to his friends and relatives, he's much more ready to give a lot to us! He'd give us money, treat us out and some other things that make us have a good time. 

Now, whenever I see a fighting cock, be it a real one or just a picture; a derby or anything related to it, the only thing I utter, whether silently or verbally, is "Papa"...


I miss you so much Papa...   

My Father Ultimately Loved Cars

I couldn't deny the fact that Papa loves cars ever since. When Mama and Papa were still a newbie in terms of starting out our family, would you believe that they've got 3- and we were not even rich! I wasn't born yet during that time so my brothers were really luckier to have those wheels to travel a lot. When I was born and Papa was diagnosed with Diabetes, they have decided to sell the said cars. When I was 10, my parents bought a used Suzuki Super Carry. I won't forget those Popeye stickers on it! My Papa used the said vehicle for work. I recall those times that he'd bring "pasalubongs" and lots of fruits every night after work. Only goes to show that Papa was such a caring dad. 

When Papa was in Leyte, he had a sports car customized that looked like a go kart! He also had a 3-wheel bicycle. It was pink and he was so proud when he showed it to me! 

I do think that our love for vehicles is rooted to Papa's influence on us. When hubby and I worked abroad, we initially invested for an SUV for a transport business. My siblings have also chosen to buy their own cars when they were able to afford one. I guess Papa was amazed with the kind of taste my siblings have for cars- Ford Focus Hatchback 2010, Chevrolet Spark 2011 and a Mazda 3 2009. 

I do believe that if Papa has funds he might have filled our garage with tons of cars in different shapes and sizes- be it an old school model, the latest race-car type or the one with odd features... Oh Pops... 

Do Souls Have Memories?

I don't know what you're currently thinking. I don't know where you are now.
Are you around and could really see us? Or are you with the angels up above watching over us?
Are you here roaming around, enjoying your liberty without any knowledge that you've been a great dad in your past life? 
If your body has died, I wonder, will your memories die too? If so, you probably forgot everything about me, about you- everything about us.
Are you just in your resting place waiting patiently and eagerly for our visits?
Are you there, lying at peace, waiting for that day for all of us to be reunited as promised in the Bible?
Or are you gone forever Pops? 

"I have faith in you Lord that you have something great ahead of each one of us. That you have prepared something to those who believe in You. And I look forward to that day that our families will all be reunited as one, in whatever way you have for us."

Realities set in...

I go on with my life, with you in my heart. But once in a while, I realize, you're indeed no longer here.
I look at your things, with the dust; your stuff were never moved since then and will never be used no more.
This pain just keeps on getting stronger, I thought it'll pass.
But no, it will never end, it's here.
Papa, your memories are here. Each day I always think of you.
The freshness of the hurt and pain when you left is still here.
They say it'll be over each day but I beg to differ- it's not.
It's still here Pops and I'm still hurting much.

Songs About Fathers and Fatherhood

My fave song about daddies?? A lot! From the popular ones to the oldies, I'm planning to create a compilation. I've got tons on my phone's  Memos and To Do list. I've even got one folder of it on my PC. I'll definitely need to finalize 'em. Like a list of songs about fatherhood, a father's bond between his son, daughter, wife and the rest of his family and/or songs that include the greatness of being a daddy.

For now, I just wanna share this country song about a father and son's relationship. I like it, albeit the painful truthfulness on its lyrics, taking comfort on those words being the key to start opening the memories I had with my Pops, thus making them alive...

“Cat’s in the Cradle” 

by Harry Chapin 

My child arrived just the other day

He came to the world in the usual way

But there were planes to catch and bills to pay

He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew

He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad

You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home dad?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day

He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play

Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today

I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"

And he walked away but his smile never dimmed

And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah

You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day

So much like a man I just had to say

"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"

He shook his head and said with a smile

"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys

See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away

I called him up just the other day

I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"

He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time

You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu

But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad

It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me

He'd grown up just like me

My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then 

Blog to be continued

"I love you Pop and I hope to create a compilation in honor of the memories I had with you."

Another dream, another meaning

I had a dream - again. Papa came back. He was very alive. We were all rejoicing when he returned. Surreal, it was. He explained to me what happened on that day when we cried out loud on the morgue while holding him. "This is what happened" he said. "From afar, I could see you, Mama and my lifeless body." I asked him, "How do you see us Papa? Do you see everything around us?" My Papa responded, "No. When I see you, a circle of light surrounds you. I couldn't see the other objects around you. All I see are you and that light."

The next scene I was hugging my Papa as he sat on a couch. He was wearing a white shirt. I hugged him tightly. It's the warmth from an embrace that's more than the distance we had when we lost him. It's more than that. It's a mixture of happiness, fear of losing him again and gripping tightly onto him...

Alas, I woke up. And every piece of our life's longing for my Papa burst like tiny bubbles....


Is it the way my Papa explained what really happened? Did he do it to comfort me? Did he do it to assure me that he could see us anytime, that he is with us? Or again, it is just a product of my imagination? Only God knows....

My Papa's Memorial Website

     I've been surfing the internet to keep myself preoccupied. Searching for facts, information and data to at least lessening the heavy feeling I have due to my dad's passing. Trying to find people in forums and articles written by those who have shared the same tragic experience as mine. I've come across two online obituaries which offer free and paid subscriptions. These are the two websites where I've created an online obituary or tribute for my Papa.

Christian Memorials

Your Tribute

    I've availed of the free subscription on the said websites. Indeed, the features are limited for the subscription I availed. Nevertheless I am glad that these websites offer these kind of services because through them I am able to honor my father online and we get the chance to have his website that we could visit to, post on and offer our virtual gifts to. Our relatives could even visit the said sites to know what exactly happened to my Papa days before his passing.

Trusting God's Decisions

I had an a monthly progressive report with my supervisor and he actually commended me for having a bright disposition and exuding positive energy at work despite the fact that I lost my dad only a couple of months ago. I am like that, and have always been, ever since. From what I remember, it took me a month since December 10 for me to fully act normally at work. That's the time that I always feel a lump on my throat. How did I do it? Well the pain will forever be present in my heart and in my head, I guess. It's the question on how I've dealt with the freshness of it and how I am going to deal with it for the rest of my life. In my Ezine article, I've explained the several things we could do in dealing with the loss, but I guess each one of us has our own way of dealing with it because situations, family ties and personalities do vary.

Right now, besides those things that I myself do to help myself and my family, I have learned to trust God. Trust His plans for us. Trust His decisions. Trust His promises. If I cling on to the memories of my dad, I hold on tightly on God's promises in the Bible. It gives me strength to face the realities of life. The love that my dad had for us and the love I have for my dad, in life or death, is always connected to faith. God is love and so I relax and just entrust everything to Him - a hope that someday, all of us will be reconciled in Paradise and that Papa is waiting for us. Right now, Papa could only watch us, guiding us to surpass life's challenges. Oh, and helping us pray to God. After all, he is the one closest to God now. :)


"Papa, I've cried a while ago. As usual, your memories comforted me. Thank you Pop. I love and miss you..."

The Book of Tomorrow by Cecelia Ahern

I've recently read the book by Cecelia Ahern entitled "The Book of Tomorrow". It is the first book by Ahern that I've read and I admire how she's able to combine magic along with the painful truth of death in life. It's not only about the death of Tamara's dad that I am able to relate to but it is a book about hope. A story that everyone who shared the same experience or not could relate to. I have gained a lot of insight from the said book. Will post here excerpts and my POVs soon.

Papa's 40th Day Death Anniversary

    They say that the 40th day from a person's passing is the start of his ascension to heaven. It is the beginning of his journey towards God. What a wonderful feeling it is of going back to the arms of your Creator!  It is a day of celebration, filled with prayers, good food and talking about the wonderful memories of the departed one. 

    Last January 18, 2013 was my Papa's 40th day Death Anniversary. I thank God that we were able to carry it out successfully and for not being too much affected by the grief that we're still experiencing. My brother Allan and his wife Elfie were not able to come because they were at her hometown during that time for a family reunion and also needed to be present for her mom's surgery. But knowing Papa, I know he understood. 

    Despite our limited budget, we made sure that everything was covered during my Papa's 40th day Death Anniversary. From the women who led the fervent prayers before 12:00 pm, the time of ascension of my Papa's soul, to the  foods, drinks, chit-chats, flowers, balloons, tarpaulin etc. - everything to honor the life God has blessed him. Indeed even in death, his life will always be celebrated. I thank God for making Papa an instrument for us to live, grow and lead the generations ahead of us.  

flowers, candles, food, crucifix for Papa's  epitaph
(The wind was blowing very hard, we had to lay down the candles and cross.)

Having lunch right after holding the prayers.

It's ironic, my Papa never experienced having balloons or parties  in his childhood.
Until now.

Sometimes it just doesn't sink in...

Letting go of the balloons signifies our surrendering of
Papa to the Lord. 

One balloon, one prayer to God and a message for Papa uttered silently

Of course, with that fighting cock photo, Papa would have loved this!

♥♥♥

Are you holding your loved-one's 40th Day Death Anniversary soon? 

What are your plans to commemorate him/her?
Be strong and know that your loved one's memories live in you!