My New Year's Dream of Papa

     On December 31, 2012, I had a dream about Papa. It was my second dream of him since he passed away. There was an evident disparity between my December 24th dream and this one. It is because in my first dream, Papa died then was revived, but with this one we were all aware that what we got in touch with was just his soul. Also, from what I remember, my Papa never uttered a single word throughout that dream. These are the 5 scenes that I vividly remember on that dream. 

Scene 1

My colleagues and I were at a shopping mall. We were all laughing while chatting. Then I noticed something from my right peripheral vision. I looked on my right side and saw my Papa looking at the toys in the department store's toy section. The facial features of Papa was clear- his mole on his left cheekbone and his laughing eyes. Mama was behind him. I immediately ran to them both surprised and curious. Mama just told me: "I found him here."

Scene 2

We took Papa home and he lied on a wooden bench. We were all very happy and excited to have our Papa again! My mom was on the other side of the bench and I was sitting beside him. I called Kuya Allan to tell Kuya Eric that Papa was with us. My Kuya Eric immediately ran to my Papa and held his hand. 

Scene 3

Our whole family was staring at a vast farm or field. We were all behind Papa. My Papa was wearing a yellow shirt. He didn't move but just stared on the field. My brothers were behind him, and Mama and I were behind them. I was surprised to see that the shape of my Papa's body was indeed "real" but I was shocked because the middle part of his body, horizontally, seemed like a mirror. I could see the field through him. His body was translucent. I asked my mom "Mama, look at Papa's body. It's like a mirror, a glass." My mom replied: "That's because Papa is already a spirit."

Scene 4 

Given the fact that my Papa loves cockfighting, I understand why this scene was present in my dream. 

Papa, mama and I went to a house full of roosters for derbies. My Papa entered the house made of wood. We could see him through the huge windows. He was holding a rooster, smiling as he patted its feathers. Just then two guys came in and asked us "What are you two doing in here? Who are you with?" Then we just smiled. Apparently, they cannot see Papa. We just looked at him for a moment. Then my mom shouted "Ling, we'll go ahead. We love you!" Papa just smiled. When it was my turn to bid goodbye, I shouted "Papa, goodbye! We love you! Thanks for everything!" and blew a kiss to him. Papa smiled and he blew a kiss to me as well. In that dream I can tell that he was happy. 

This is the scene that still makes me cry until now. I could feel and see how Papa loves me even in death! If we're going to base this scene scientifically, well then my subconscious must have been telling me how much my Papa loves me (and how we love him), and I take comfort in that. 

Scene 5

At home, I found my Papa's pants. I held it and suddenly a small angel figurine fell. I picked it up and asked my mom about it. My mom replied "That's from Papa. He left that to us." 

Perhaps Papa wants us to know that we already have a guardian angel from now on - him!

~~~

     That's the final scene from that dream. I admit, I felt better and happy when I awoke that morning. But when I rushed to my mom's room and told her my dream, tears kept pouring from my eyes. Whatever the explanation behind that dream will remain a mystery. It could be a way my Papa told us that everything is already okay with him and he has accepted what happened. It could also be just a product of my imagination. Or it may be God's way to cheer me up. The possibilities are endless. All I could hope for is one day, soon, our family will all be reconciled in Paradise. And for now, all we could do is hold onto the beautiful memories he has left behind- tightly, even if it's as painful as holding a rose full of thorns... 

I'll always be my father's daughter...

My Papa's Hands

 I remember how my Papa caresses my hands, touching every finger and fingernails and the contour of my hands, telling me how I got my long hands from him. Ever since I was a little girl, he would just hold my hand, look at them and feel them. When I got older, he would always comment that my fingers and hands are very much the same as his! 

 When he died, I was holding his 2 hands as if I didn't wanna let him go. But God calls him home and Papa responded. He had to say goodbye. I needed to release my grip. We needed to let go of each other... 

 Acceptance. I realized that we have let go of each other physically, but there are a thousand and one ways that we continually bind us. Those ways are way beyond our comprehension. Way beyond our understanding. Way beyond our naked eyes... The connection he implanted on our hearts, memories...

 Now every time I look at my hands I remember him. I feel him in my hands. His blood flowing through my veins. I would not be able to hold his hands anymore. But he will occupy a special place in my heart forever. A special spot in our memories... 

A wacky shot with my Pop!
I miss you...

"Papa, I can't believe you're gone. Every time I see your photos, you smiling and very much alive, I feel good. But when I see your death certificate and your epitaph stating the facts that you have already left us, the pain comes back. The sadness sets in. The tears keep falling..."

The Day Papa Said Goodbye

A month ago was the most painful day of our lives. On December 10, 2012 at exactly 4:58 am, the doctors in East Avenue Medical Center declared my Papa dead due to a sudden cardiac death. Minutes before that, my Papa's caregiver, Kuya Bobi told us that my Papa even asked him to help him stretch his legs because he was about to sleep. A moment later, he had a cardiac arrest while asleep. These are what transpired days before his death...

The two girls in Papa's life

  Saturday, December 8. Hubby and I went to visit my Papa. We decided to leave my son and Ate Lita at the car as kids aren't allowed to enter the hospital premises. Papa, mama, hubby and I spent some time talking with each other and sharing stories. 

Good thing we had a picture with our dad on that night. My dad said that he feels so sad for my mom being that she was so stressed, well partly financially, but what pains her is the fact that my Papa has lots of complications. I told my Papa these words: "It is our job as a family to help each other to meet your needs Papa and to prolong your life and it is your job to get well! Just think that mama is sending one of us to college again." Then we laughed and my Papa smiled. When we left, I placed my hand on his forehead, offered a silent prayer and kissed him on the cheek. 

Having fun at Solenn's birthday party

Sunday, December 9. All of us attended my niece's birthday party. It's Solenn's 1st birthday. We celebrated it at McDonald's Katipunan. Sadly, Papa wasn't able to attend her 1st birthday. 

At around 2 pm, all of us went to the hospital to visit Papa. Ate Lita, Love (my sis-in-law), Solenn and my son Muting were left at the car. My papa beamed when he saw us, all of us, complete inside his room- my mama, hubby, brothers Eric and Allan, and his wife Ate Elfe. It's the first visit that our family was complete due to our different work schedules. For instance, there were times that my brother Allan and I would go visit Papa while my brother Eric was at work. We watched the Manny Pacquiao fight and finished it! 
It was also the time when we gave some pep talk to my papa for his 7 am scheduled amputation the next day. I remembered him saying "Will I be able to do it?". We just gave him motivational talks so he won't get worried. But we all know that he doesn't want his left foot to be amputated ever since. And given the fact that he had no choice but to undergo the said surgery, to lengthen his life per se, then he eventually agreed. I remembered touching my Papa's forehead and telling him to get well. I remembered telling him that we'll go to Tagaytay as a family come my son's birthday in January 7 and told him that he'll be on a wheelchair when we go there because he might be recovering from the amputation by then... I've asked him what he wanted me to bring him and he just replied that he wants sotanghon (noodles) with eggs, lots of eggs. I smiled and told him that I'll ask Ate Lita to bring one for him. He has also asked me to roll the blanket beneath his neck so he could lie down comfortably. I told him that I will buy a neck pillow for him. When we were about to leave, I told my mom to pray over him. We all placed our hands on his body and my mom led a prayer- a prayer for him to have a successful amputation. Then we bid goodbye to him. I  placed my hand on his forehead again, offered a short prayer and kissed him on his right cheek. That was the last kiss I've given him when he was still alive....

A teary-eyed Papa half smiling

 

Our Papa is a warrior.

                         

Sunday night, my mom attended the mass and prayed fervently for Papa that he could make it. My mom decided to go home because she was already a tired from the morning birthday party, to the hospital visit and to the mass she attended. She also planned to go to bed early as they need to be at the hospital around 5 am the next day prior to my Papa's 7 am amputation. Ate Lita went to the hospital to bring some food  and new diapers to Papa. Papa told ate to take some meds because Ate Lita had been coughing a lot. Ate Lita saw Papa with his eyes closed saying "Lord, take care of me, I surrender myself to you." Given the fact that Papa regularly prays, Ate Lita didn't give any meaning on that common act.

Monday morning, I was still up working at home. The rest were all asleep. At around 3:30 am I went downstairs to go to the toilet. I saw my Papa's bed and prayed that God will give him a successful surgery, good health and longer life. I went upstairs and went back to work. I know my mama and Ate Lita will be waking up at 5 am. The weirdest thing has happened: A female voice has somewhat whispered to my ears saying "You're Papa's gone". I immediately knocked on the wooden table beside where I was working and offered a prayer for my Papa. Then at around 4:00 to 4:30 am we received a text message from my Papa's caregiver that he had a cardiac arrest. We all jumped and prepared to go to the hospital right there and then, thinking that my Papa might still be alive when we get there and probably has tubes on his body-but still alive. We were all wrong. Minutes later, his caregiver text messaged us, telling us the sad news- that my Papa passed away..

We went to the hospital immediately. I was crying every now and then. My mom couldn't cry as she was in a state of shock. We were headed to my Papa's room, thinking that he was still there. We saw Kuya Bobi at the elevator, telling us that he's going to the mortuary downstairs. That's the time everything sank in. We went to the basement. We walked and walked along the alley. It was the most terrible walk I had in my entire life. At the end of the alley is the mortuary. I peeked at the door, 2 bodies covered in a white blanket are there. I'm not sure which one is my Papa. Kuya Bobi told me that Papa's on the right side. I saw his left foot protruding. It is really Papa! I was screaming and shouting "Papa, papa, papa!!!". My mom asked the staff to take out my Papa's body for a while. They did. They opened the blanket and I saw my Papa lifeless. I remember his face being free from pain at all. No trace of suffering. But then the most painful moment of our lives sank. The two girls in my Papa's life are there- me holding his hands and hugging his chest and tummy; my Mama kissing his face and wiping some of the fluids on his lips. I was shouting "Papa, papa!!" and my mama was shouting "Ling, ling!".  We hugged him, kissed him and told him how much we love him. Then after about  10 minutes the staff told us that they need to take my Papa's body back to the mortuary. And there I kissed his left cheek with the deepest and sweetest kiss and told him "Papa, I love you. Thanks for everything!"

That's the end of my Papa's journey- on Earth. And it is the beginning of his journey back to God. God has been good to us. We are thankful for giving us a chance to be with Papa and to be able to show him how important he is to us. We appreciate the fact that God has listened to our prayers in prolonging his life. He was sick since 1992, scheduled for an amputation way back in 1998, had a stroke in the province last September 2012. Was able to come home to Manila and spent his remaining days in three different hospitals. We thank God that we're able to do what our best for him. It's just that these tears and painful emotions are felt because of the fact that Papa isn't with us physically. We accept your decision Lord of taking him from us because he's been suffering for too long. We just need you God to help us cope with the loss of our Papa...

Papa's Last afternoon on Earth with us

Our family way back in 1997

"Papa I cannot express how hard it is to think that you're not around anymore. We miss you Papa. Our love for you will never fade and your memories will be strong as ever. I thank God for making you a part of our lives. We will never forget you. Thank you for being our Dad. "