New Year 2015

Happy New Year everyone! 

I'm hoping that all of you had an awesome New Year celebration but I am more praying and wishing all of us to have a safe, healthy and blessed 2015.


Time Heals... 

The day after Christmas was our most recent visit to my Papa's resting place. This year's New Year is the 3rd time that we had to celebrate it without Papa. It was fun, abundant and full of thankfulness and prayers for good things to come. Papa... The times of sudden outbursts are now slowly disappearing. I tend to compose myself better now compared to the times when I was at the peak of my grief. This time the pain was indeed lesser, but the longing and sadness were still there. You get used to the loss. You are able to adapt to the changes, and are able to face each day with the familiarity that he's not here any longer and that I should move on with our lives. This is the moment where I could truly say that being alive in one's memories does happen. I strong believe that aside from what we see and touch, there's this invisible force within us, that can be paralyzing or empowering. There's this balance in the world indeed, and it also exists within us. 

Papa, each day that our dear Lord continues to bless me starts and ends with a prayer for you. We love you Pa!

Memories of Papa

The other day, my hubby and I had our lunch at a new mall in the metro. I just love those moments. Laid back. Having lunch with him on a lazy Monday afternoon. Had a cheesecake before we ate our rice meals was incredibly fun. Reminiscing our past experiences and talking about our plans for the future. I saw an old man having lunch alone. I remembered my Dad. That moment when he came home, holding two bags filled with McDonalds treats-for me and my baby. I imagined him placing an order on a McDonald counter. Perhaps he didn't say the exact value meal number that corresponds to his order. :) Maybe he just mentioned that he wanted a cheeseburger, large fries and drinks and that's it! Oh, my father! Aside from my mom, he's the most thoughtful and generous person whom I've met. Still expressing his love and concern for me even if I was already married and have my own kid. That's my dad. And he continuously inspires me to apply the the wonderful and positive things which he taught me on my daily life even now that he's gone.

Pa, thanks for the memories of love and selflessness.

Pops' 65th Birthday

Papa's birthday celebration last Sept. 7 was sooo much fun! His birthday fell on a Monday so we decided to hold it on a weekend. So thankful we made that decision. My mom made a delish baked mac and it was the highlight of the meals we prepared there. Rice, pork dishes, native delicacies, etc. made our tummies super happy. We spent Papa's special day in a way that he would have definitely enjoyed- yummy meals, bonding with the whole family, as well as with our relatives and friends. After holding a prayer, we stayed throughout the late afternoon on his grave site and left at past 7 pm. The cemetery was pitch-black! Eerie and fun. Perhaps fun because it was almost 20 of us. :)

If my Papa is still alive, he's already 65 by now. It's been almost a couple of years. I have made a lot of decisions inspired by his memories. I miss him badly and I still feel that tightness on my chest whenever I see his photos.

Happy Birthday Papa! I miss you so much. I'm asking God to bless you with peace and give us the courage to face life without you- till we meet again.

Papa's Visit In My Dream

I'm so glad that my dad visited me in my dream yesterday. It was all blurry, as with any other dream but the definition of his face was crystal clear. He was lying on a bed and he just stood beside me, asking me to place an electricfan beside his bed as well as hand him a blanket. He was looking fine- not too healthy and not too sickly. When I gave him what he asked, he went back to bed and slept. I really have no idea on what was it about. I can't even produce a "possible" explanation as to what happened. Nevertheless, I felt better seeing him alive in my dream. That's the only way I can see him alive, aside from the photos of our wonderful times together, as well as the videos which showed the bittersweet memories of him- the Christmas celebrations and the random shots filled with his smiles, his voice and laughter, as well as a video in a hospital where he was lying for several days, talking with a voice that was never really "him"- weak, tired and in pain. God I miss him terribly, especially now that his birthday is approaching. It's been almost two years, but the pain still brings me to tears. Tears that express all the guilt, regret, sadness and loss...

Sometimes, when I look at your photos, I couldn't believe that you're really gone... I miss you Pops!

Childhood Memories With Papa

Afternoon naps with him.
A swing made of an old tire under a huge mango tree.
The day he enrolled me in 4th grade and accompanied me in buyning school supplies.
The medal he put on me during the awarding.
The black shirt with that green leopard's head print. The animal print trend and Katy Perry's "Roar" style make me recall those days when I shyly wore that shirt in 1997! 
These are the memories I'll treasure forever. 

Whew! As the song goes, "If only I could turn back time..." :)


Dad, you loved me. You extremely loved me! I miss you...

My Papa's 1st Birthday After His Death

On September 8, 2013 was my Papa's birthday. If he's still alive, he would be 64 by now.

Last year, in Leyte, he was already admitted in the hospital several days prior to his birthday. Then he was discharged on the 7th. On his birthday, he celebrated it with our relatives, friends and neighbors. His diet was still controlled back then but still he was very happy to be able to spend the day with cheeriness and warmth with the people who have become a part of his life. I sent a cash gift to him and phoned him and my mom. The thought of that day being his last birthday never crossed my mind.
The next day he was admitted to the hospital again.
Oh, he really wanted to get out of the hospital to spend that special day!

We celebrated his celestial birthday on a Sunday, September 8th, 2013 at his resting place. We brought a lot of his fave foods, flowers and prepared a slideshow of his pictures. We didn't include the ones where he was suffering at the hospital- just photos where my Papa was smiling and free from all pain.

The slideshow of Papa's photos

Our family during his birthday

Two birthday cakes and a huge Amber's spaghetti- mouthwatering!

We spent the rainy afternoon, holding a prayer, telling stories about Papa, memories and events that lighten our mood. It's pretty hard to deal with his first birthday after his death but we don't have any choice but to move forward and cherish his memories.

Papa's cap. I could still smell his scent on it!

"We will celebrate you mourn, and mourn you less."



Happy 64th Birthday Papa!!! We miss you terribly. We love you dearly Pops!

Papa's 40th Day Death Anniversary

    They say that the 40th day from a person's passing is the start of his ascension to heaven. It is the beginning of his journey towards God. What a wonderful feeling it is of going back to the arms of your Creator!  It is a day of celebration, filled with prayers, good food and talking about the wonderful memories of the departed one. 

    Last January 18, 2013 was my Papa's 40th day Death Anniversary. I thank God that we were able to carry it out successfully and for not being too much affected by the grief that we're still experiencing. My brother Allan and his wife Elfie were not able to come because they were at her hometown during that time for a family reunion and also needed to be present for her mom's surgery. But knowing Papa, I know he understood. 

    Despite our limited budget, we made sure that everything was covered during my Papa's 40th day Death Anniversary. From the women who led the fervent prayers before 12:00 pm, the time of ascension of my Papa's soul, to the  foods, drinks, chit-chats, flowers, balloons, tarpaulin etc. - everything to honor the life God has blessed him. Indeed even in death, his life will always be celebrated. I thank God for making Papa an instrument for us to live, grow and lead the generations ahead of us.  

flowers, candles, food, crucifix for Papa's  epitaph
(The wind was blowing very hard, we had to lay down the candles and cross.)

Having lunch right after holding the prayers.

It's ironic, my Papa never experienced having balloons or parties  in his childhood.
Until now.

Sometimes it just doesn't sink in...

Letting go of the balloons signifies our surrendering of
Papa to the Lord. 

One balloon, one prayer to God and a message for Papa uttered silently

Of course, with that fighting cock photo, Papa would have loved this!

♥♥♥

Are you holding your loved-one's 40th Day Death Anniversary soon? 

What are your plans to commemorate him/her?
Be strong and know that your loved one's memories live in you!

My Papa's Hands

 I remember how my Papa caresses my hands, touching every finger and fingernails and the contour of my hands, telling me how I got my long hands from him. Ever since I was a little girl, he would just hold my hand, look at them and feel them. When I got older, he would always comment that my fingers and hands are very much the same as his! 

 When he died, I was holding his 2 hands as if I didn't wanna let him go. But God calls him home and Papa responded. He had to say goodbye. I needed to release my grip. We needed to let go of each other... 

 Acceptance. I realized that we have let go of each other physically, but there are a thousand and one ways that we continually bind us. Those ways are way beyond our comprehension. Way beyond our understanding. Way beyond our naked eyes... The connection he implanted on our hearts, memories...

 Now every time I look at my hands I remember him. I feel him in my hands. His blood flowing through my veins. I would not be able to hold his hands anymore. But he will occupy a special place in my heart forever. A special spot in our memories... 

A wacky shot with my Pop!
I miss you...

"Papa, I can't believe you're gone. Every time I see your photos, you smiling and very much alive, I feel good. But when I see your death certificate and your epitaph stating the facts that you have already left us, the pain comes back. The sadness sets in. The tears keep falling..."